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小舅

刚接到妈妈的长途电话,昨天下午还跟我通了10分钟电话的小舅今晨离开了我们.

小舅是我四个舅舅中最聪明的一个,年轻时自学成才,做了乡村医生,经过多年的奋斗,还做到了县卫生院和精神病院的院长.

小舅很要强,在条件很差的年代,为给老白姓看病,他没少吃苦,半夜里地走山路是常事.他不墨守陈规,钻研土方用自己发明的中药治疗急性骨髓炎后行成的顽固窦道非常有效,饱受开放性病灶之苦数年的病人,用过小舅并不昂贵的中药后,三个月便能排出死骨后封口,他的病人来自全国各地,也不乏慕名而来的海外求医者,20年前小舅到北戴河开全国中医学术会议,还得过一个全国 '名医'的匾额.

昨天在电话里小舅跟我说,他前些天病危就是因为前一段给病人看病过于劳累了.他自己病得很重,但还是不忍心拒绝照顾那些远道而来的乡亲.

小舅对事业很执着,他给我的教诲是,人一生的精力是有限的,不要不分主次地试图干很多事情,一辈子要想法把一件事情做好就会对人类做出自己独特的贡献.

小舅发明的中药方解除了无数病人的痛苦,他的一生是有价值的.

So, I started out 2008 with a bang... I was reading Wicked, and didn't even notice it was midnight. No wild parties, no drunken songs were sung. Though alcohol could have made it a better night, no I spent that night working, and then going home to snuggle in my bed and read. Exciting? I know, I live a wild life. I told myself I'd start keeping a journal for 2008... well 3 days later, here I am starting one. Just a few days off. I'm never one to start things when they should be.

That song (the one in the title) has been on repeat for me, all day. It reminds me of last year. And the year before. When all I could think about was... him. No, I wasn't in love, try infatuation. He led me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, that ended with me saying to hell with it, I can't handle it anymore. Now he's moved on, to a 15 year old. Yeah, that boost my confidence a whole lot, one upped by a kid who can't even do Algebra without help. He wants to eat lunch with me, tomorrow. Just when I was getting completely over him. He does this. But, I'll handle it. I can. I just have to.

I guess I could tell the internet world about myself? But where would be the fun in that? Where would the mystery be in there? I guess you can just read on, that is if anyone reads this, and decipher who I amby what I say.

I'm out, Flowers For Algernon is calling my name...

-the girl in second place

My day started out okay. I slept in (after getting woke up at 6:30) and got the boys to Janes a little after 9. I went out to work,,, had a nice chat with Melis. She sounds good and Maddy is GREAT,,, she's off her meds and oxygen and just seems pretty normal. Melis is very happy and feels so blessed by the Lord! That is awesome!

I got some work done and then I went to the bank to get $ to pay for my rootcanal/crown and other "house stuff" then I worked out. I've done a great job with my eating today...in fact since I lowered my calories so much I got feeling sick after I worked out. I needed that protein shake pretty bad today!I also sat in thesteam sauna with "Beauty From Pain" playing in my ears... I am So super emotional right now! Then I went out to see Terry and the baby (Treyton). He made me miss "baby stuff" he was so cute. I gave her the hamb. cassrole, she didn't seem to care that I "messed it up" . She was just grateful to have supper and not have to "do it"!

I did pretty good this morning but this evening I have been missing CN sssooooo much! I've cried and damn, I just want him back! What was I thinking, how can two people break up, not talk and just act like "its over" when they still loved eachother. NOTHING bad happened, no one cheated, I didn't get beat or lied to!!! So, he's a cheap skate who struggles with communication and passion! So what! I wish so bad the Lord would step in and send me a sign. Like why can't He just call me on the phone and say, "Stacey, I want/don't want you to be with Cory!" I'd do what He said if he just told me but he isn't making anything clear!

OH, I miss him and want him back! I am tired and depressed and tired of feeling like (emotionally) crap! It could be worse,,, I gotta think, it could always be worse. I wish I new what Cory wanted. He doesn't seem to know either,,, when I texted him about this he said, he isn't enjoying "being single" but said we just need TIME to sort it all out! Meanwhile this TIME is making me an emotional, depressed bundle of sadness!

I wonder if I just be patient someone else, someone better, more right for me will come along,,, and same for CN too... BUT right now, all I can see is I am ALONE and its my fault for being a RIP to such a sweet guy who isn't perfect but I'd have to say, "MORE PERFECT than I am!" I love you Cory! GOD, with you ALL things are possible and so please let me know what you have planned. When will I see your beauty from pain! I'm standing in the rain, I'm alone in this fight with myself,,, If I stand, I'll fall down, I want to be found, the only way out is through the pain, I'm not dealing with it! I didn't deal with the pain when I lost Donnie and now I've LOST again! I can't stop crying but I need to be crying out for God to rescue me! Please God hear me cry for you! Help me God!

No cases in san diego today, so no work for me. Crappy. 12 days and counting....

I decided to not buy a new pack of smokes. i had 3 left in my pack today. I smoked them and I can say that i didnt particularily like em. I had to stop by the 99 cent only store to buy a bag of DumDums.. i figure it'll help with the oral fixation kinda when i'm driving. It seemed to work before.... so why not try it again. i'm crazy to just quit cold turkey, but i figure if its all psychological i should be ok.. we'll see..I need to clean out my car- rid the back of all the ashes. spray some fabreze on the upholstery and be good to go. Drives are really going to suck for the first week or 2, i remember. but thats why i bought the dumdums... i so smart.

So I have a question that I would love some help answering. At what age to you start to feel like an adult???I am 23 years old soon to be 24 and I feel like im stuck at 16, or let me rephrase that, like i have made no progress since i was 16. Granted I have a good job and have learned a lot along the way. I feel like in no way, shape or form, am I ready to be and adult. I have seriously been contemplating moving out of my parents house lately. I'm so torn. If I leave what do I do. Get a small place and live alone, Get a roomate someone that I know, or move in a random situation with random people and figure it out as i go, or stay at home and save money to buy some property. To be honest, the independence may be good for me it may be a good life lesson to be completely alone. I moved out for about 3 years..... moved into college and then in with an ex bf but it didn't exactly work out so im afraid to go through it again. I went shopping with my mom today and as we went to the register to pay and she pulled out her credit card i thought "how could i do this without my mom". I'm freakingnot a little kid though so of course I can, I think im having preventative seperation anxiety?

idk just thinking aloud.

If anyone cares to respond I could use the advice

Well, what a day,,, I desperately tried to air out my stinky house but it still stinks! It smells like I've been smoking "Campfire" cigs in here for 10 years! AGH! The smell is getting to my well being,,, as I smell it I think of how awful last night was! My mom said, MORE Fabreeze and TIME!

I have been So sad, missing CN all day! I feel like I want to cave and take him back! I wonder if he misses me at all... We've broke up Oct of 06 and that time it was all me wanting the break up and he was devestated. THis time I think it was more mutual and so I wonder how be feels. This is so different than greiveing Donnie. DB died and I knew I could never see him but I could see CN if I wanted to! and I DO WANT TO!

BY the way, sure i didn't mention but we had awesome sex the night before we broke up! Can't get that out of head! I don't ever want to have sex with anyone else!

I have been crying off and on all day! I try to keep myself busy but all I can think about is HIM! I haven't told the boys anything. I won't until I see if we are over for good. And I am hoping that they will just "Forget" about him and I just won't make a big deal about it!

Why do I have to be so mean and why did I always ride his ass? I pretty much drove him away! OH my heart is double broken,,, I haven't been thinking of DB much but I want him back if I can't have CN! I realize DB has been gone almost 2 years and I KNOW I can't have him back,,, that's what makes this different.

Is CN thinking of me? Does he still love me? WHen I think of him with another girl I start crying,,, I don't want to see that, even though I say he deserves to be happy!

I honestly think, if we could have finalized the merge plans then we'd still be together but I kept thinking I couldn't keep going on with no more commitment and me still SINGLE MOMMY all week!